“Stop it, you’re disgusting.”
“You deserve to gain weight: look at how you’re eating.”
“You’re nothing but a big, fat pig.
“I hate you.”
As I began to binge, the first negative thought hit my mind. Then another and another. I continued stuffing my mouth full of food, hoping that if I could eat fast enough I could suffocate the voices in my head.
Although these were only thoughts, they impacted me just as if someone had been standing there saying them to me.
I want to purge so badly, but I’m determined not to. Now I’m stuck with a stomach full of food, uncomfortable and guilt-ridden.
I haven’t showered in more than two days. I’ve lost all motivation to exercise or do anything productive. I spent all of yesterday in bed drifting in and out of sleep. When I sleep, I can’t actively hate myself – it gives me a short break from self-loathing and depression.
I don’t care about much at the moment; all I want to do is sleep away the guilt.
I don’t even know why I binged, there was no logical reason behind it. It all started with a small bowl of cereal, granola, and milk. Then another. Then bread and cheese. Then whipped cream. More bread and cheese. And then even more food.
And you know what? I still want to eat more.
I don’t know why I stopped either. Probably because my stomach was starting to hurt from being stretched out. Possibly because it finally hit me what I was doing to my body. Most likely the former.
I don’t even know what to do right now. All I want to do is sleep.
I hate myself and my lack of control.
MyClandestineLife 
It’s going to be okay.
Giant hugs to you! It’ll be ok. Things tend to get worse before they get better, but things will definatly get better. You are constantly on my mind. I wonder how you’re doing. I don’t know what it is, but since I met you through here I’ve kinda felt this connection with you kinda like, “Hey she knows what I’ve been through, she’s going through it.. ” It’s kinda like I know you but I have never met you. Sorry if that sounded creepy. I hope you start feeling better soon. ā¤
I want to hug you right now, just to give you some sort of comfort with what you are feeling. You are not alone here, please know that. ”When I sleep, I can’t actively hate myself – it gives me a short break from self-loathing and depression.” – I think that was my reasoning for ODing the other night, just some peace and quiet. I am sorry things got to you and you binged, I really am. I hope you can not purge, but I understand as do many others on here if you do. I’ll still be here if you need me. š Take care and again massive hugs… I wish I could do more than send mere words over a screen.
What!? No no sweetie…here’s a hug for you!!! I’m sorry…Do you need encouragement or anything? just remember that we are here for you…
The starvation is what made you so exhausted. The binge was your body telling you that you needed food. Sometimes your body just won’t let you starve. It needs something to keep it going. The act of eating becomes an unconcscious, uncontrollable action. The physical takes over and the mental shuts off. So, please. Stop trying to be anorexic. It’ll make bulimia worse for you.
:OBingeing…but at least you haven’t purged yet. I don’t have anything to say besides that. You know it all. We both have said it so many times.I’m here for you as always.
*hugs* At least you did not purge. That is a positive thing to come from all of this. I get what you mean about wanting to stay in bed/sleep and such. A lot if it is the depression, I use to/still am sometimes like that a lot. It’s such a good thing you were able to stop and regain control! You got control over the situation. You were able to control yourself from purging. That is a great thing!!! Hope you have a better day š
it’s as though i’m reading my thoughts when i read this.we can beat this for good. don’t beat yourself up & good luck hun
sorry about the binge. Ive been doing that in a way too. I think I need to eliminate bread from my house. LOL.
ive been there i was an anorexic bulimic for like 5 years until it almost killed me, then i gave my life to Christ and He healed me, it wasnt easy, i still struggled with it for a few months after being saved, but i am glad to say that it doesnt control me anymore, hasnt for almost three years. i dont feel guilty when i eat, and i do my best to not over eat so i dont end up feeling guilty, you can do it to, i will be praying for you… im here if you need someone to talk to
thanks for not purging.
we all binge and loose control, but stay positive and movtivated to make sure that tomorrow goes better. I hope you feel better soon
I used to love sleep for that same reason you mentioned – not having to think. I loved it so much that I would OD on my sleeping meds so that I could be in a deep sleep for 12 straight hours or sometimes even longer.Ā Hell, now that I’m better, I still love sleep for the same reason, though. Thinking is great and all, but I’m kind of neurotic and think way too much. lol. Maybe you can relate?Ā I’m sorry things are so rough for you right now. You’re in my prayers as always. ā¤
@Imnotcrazyjustinsane – Thank you, I sure hope so.@Lighthouse_Oceanlover – Ha ha, no it didn’t sound creepy. I sure hope things get better, there is no way I will be able to get through my second year of college if this keeps up.@LyingIsAFashion – I didn’t purge, but now even hours later I’m still feeling the effects of the binge. My stomach is still uncomfortably full and I broke down, cried, and told my parents what had been going on the past week and a half.@Mac_Libureet – Thank you.@DisappearanceEpisodeIV – You’re right, “The physical takes over and the mental shuts off.” That’s what happened. I sure paid for that week of barely eating by overeating now.@xXxA_Natural_DisasterxXx – On one hand I’m glad I didn’t purge, but I’m still feeling the effects of the binge now even though it’s hours later.@NowAndForeverTonight – It was really difficult not to purge. I’ve never binged and not purged before. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling and my stomach still hurts even though it’s now hours later.@snakesandlions – Thanks, I broke down and cried partly because of this, but now I’m trying to forgive myself.@GoodbyeFatHelloLife – Bread is one of my weaknesses. That and cereal. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of all binge foods in my house, but then there would be barely anything left to eat.@beautifullybrokenbutnotdamage – I gave my life to Christ years ago, but somehow I’m still struggling with this. I guess this is one area of my life that I’ve tried to keep God out of. It’s stupid, I know, because God is everywhere. Also, it’s such a big part of my life that I’m trying to exclude Him from. I just need to let go.I’m glad that you have been able to recover, that’s such an encouraging thing to hear! I’m hoping that with the help of others and God’s help, I too will be able to overcome this.@minha__menina – It was difficult, but somehow I managed not to.@TheScaleDiaries – This is the first binge I’ve ever had where I didn’t purge afterwords. I’m trying to stop purging once and for all so I made myself suffer the consequences of binging. Now, even though it’s hours later, my stomach still hurts and I just feel uncomfortable in general. I hope I won’t be doing this again any time soon.@TalithaKum88 – I think way too much too, and most of it is not positive. Thanks for the prayers, they are really appreciated. I’m determined to make tomorrow a better day.
it happens to the best of us, just stay strong. i believe you can do it! xoxo
@Got_Skinny – Thanks for the encouragement.
i hate the feeling of after binging, it absolutely sucks, guilt + physically feeling sick from eating way too much too quickly, but the feeling will pass & sometimes holding onto to how you felt the last time you binged can help you prevent another oneit sucks to feel so out of control, but stay strong and you’ll be able to get back on a healthier trackgood luck ā¤
i screwed up today too. Let’s do this. Let;s have a start over. New day – fresh start! We can both get on track! Right hun?
{{HUGS}} It’s so hard to keep a binge. Good job not purging. Tomorrow is a new day…a new start and time to begin again. You’ll get there. I have faith in you. Take Care.
hey, i’m sorry you’re feeling like this… binging is never worth it :(maybe you’ve been restricting too hard so your body got the best off you, anyway, try as hard as you can not to give in to the depression, it makes it all much harder if you go down easy… you deserve to be happy, thin, and loving yourself!