I cut myself tonight, just 25 – 15 right and 10 left. None were deep enough. It leaves me unsatisfied and impatient for more…and the impatience just grows the longer I try to wait it out.
Sometimes I find myself cutting for no reason – at least not one that is consciously in my mind or one of my “normal” reasons.
Here are some of my “no reason” reasons:
- Sometimes it’s because me scars are fading
- I don’t want the pressure of “oh, well you’ve already gone ____ days so why can’t you go for _____ more days?”
- I don’t feel like a “real” self-injurer if I am not “currently” self-injuring
- but what is “currently” anyway? within the last week? month? 2 months?
- I am bored and it gives me something interesting to to
- my arms look unbalanced (more/deeper scars on one, closer together, etc.)
- to prove to myself that I still can
I do have “legitimate” reasons too, which I’m sure I’ve posted on before.
Mood altering:
- to calm anxiety
- relieve stress
- ease depression
- level my mood
- help me focus
- get out of self-hate
- alleviate anger
- diminish frustration
- to feel something
- get a high/euphoric feeling
As a distraction from:
- hunger
- unpleasant external events
- back pain (ironic, no?)
Other:
- to see blood/watch myself bleed
- when I am feeling blood lust
- uhhh…I go into moods where I want to see/smell/taste blood
- I don’t want to hurt anyone else or risk contracting an illness so I cut myself and suck on my own blood
- (plus, I don’t really know anyone who is into…umm…slightly vampiric behavior)
- sometimes I feel I deserve the pain for being such a useless, burdening person
(I’m sure I’ve missed some reasons.)
Other times I really can’t figure out why I did it…sometimes I guess I just like the feeling.
I will admit it, sometimes I actually do like the pain. Other times I can’t feel it at all. However, there are times where I really dislike the pain but feel that the benefits it gives me outweigh the discomfort.
Because none of my cuts were deep enough (skin-splitting), I really want to make some deeper ones. I may wind up doing that before the night is over. I would like to avoid cutting on Christmas though…that just seems to disrespectful. Well, I did purge last Christmas so I guess cutting would be my equivalent of that this year. Ugg. At least I prefer cutting over throwing up (less shame, more freedom, less time-consuming, easier to hide, less “alone”, feels better, is interesting, leaves external marks, etc.)
Oh, by the way…
Merry Christmas!!!
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MyClandestineLife 
i know EXCATLY how you feel…EXACTLY.
@anti_eat – The reasons I have listed seem to be very common. It definitely helps me connect with others when I know that they have some of the same thought processes behind their actions.If you want to talk, just send me a message or reply to my comment. I may not be up much longer tonight, but I’ll give you my facebook (if you have one) in a message if you ask for it because I definitely check it more often.
Aw…I love how you analyze what you do. If you need to talk or any support let me know…
@Mac_Libureet – Thank you. I know that it definitely helps me to get all my thoughts out on my blog. It helps me see reasons, sort through, decide on rationality, relieve anxiety, and organize my thoughts instead of having them rapidly tumbling around in my head.The internet is the place of anonymity; I can speak what is on my mind without fear of judgment. If I do feel “attacked” by someone, I can simply block them. I also don’t have to worry about my friends and family worrying about me.I just hope that by reading my analysis/explanation others can start to understand themselves better or at least consider thinking about why they do what they do.