I have been sick for about five days now and am starting to really think about how useless I am.
I was just thinking about how I didn’t finish last semester (Spring 2009) of college and how I withdrew from the current semester (Fall 2009). I don’t even have a job. I’m just sitting here, doing nothing productive – depressed and useless.
I am not contributing to anything. I’ve been sleeping the majority of the past week and the world is still spinning. No one needs me in order for them to continue living. I am unnecessary. My existence is meaningless. Why does it even matter that I am alive? If I had never existed my friends wouldn’t miss me. I don’t believe that anyone’s life would be drastically different if I had never been born.
I am just one speck of dust in the wind…being blown about aimlessly.
The thing is, I don’t have enough motivation to get up and do anything. I barely have enough energy to fake it anymore. I just want to feel better, but am too tired to put forth the effort.
Oh look: now I am having a pity party. “Oh, poor me.”
Disgusting.
I know that if I self-injure these thoughts will go away, if only for a short period of time. I think that some relief is better than none at all in this case.
I could go back to sleep, but I will still most likely have to face these feelings when I wake up.
Nevertheless, I think I will sleep first and see how I am when I wake up again. Maybe I will feel better. Maybe I will see some point to living, but I doubt it.
I want to feel better. I don’t want to be such a downer. I don’t want to be a disappointment, a failure.
I don’t understand why I feel like this. I have a relatively good life – I don’t have much to complain about except for my health issues.
Maybe I deserve this pain; maybe I do deserve to die.
I am just messed up. Who cares? You don’t even know me.
MyClandestineLife 
I care.
I do know you. I know you because in some small way, I am you. I’m useless, I’m unproductive, and nobody needs me. I care.
I care too… ❤
@anonymiaous – Thank you. I wish I could smile, but I can’t seem to force myself to at the moment.@thin_ana_is_in – You know, that was actually a really good response. It made sense. We share common feelings, so in a way we are each other. I want you to know that I care about you too.@AGreatPerhaps – Thank you. ❤
although we all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences, i think nearly every girl on here knows, at least to some extent, what it’s like to go through depression and self-hate. so even though we don’t “know” you, we do care about you and what you’re going through. what i do know is that you don’t deserve this pain and you don’t deserve to die. i wish you could see that.*hug*
@e_d_always – Thank you. It does help to not feel so alone, although then I worry about all the other people who are suffering. I tend to minimize my problems and maximize the severity of other people’s.Maybe someday I will come out on the other side of this and be a stronger person for it.