Married

I got married in December. I love him very much. I miss kink with others; being monogamous is hard.

The heaviest I’ve been in months

I’m sitting here feeling huge, and it disgusts me.

I’ve been making an effort to eat a more healthy amount of food each day in an attempt to avoid getting overly hungry and then bingeing. I stepped on the scale today and it was the highest I’ve been since September. I tried not to freak out, I really tried. Instead of restricting like I usually do, I forced myself to eat a healthy-sized breakfast. But…then I became overly anxious and kept eating. It wasn’t a true binge, but I wound up purging anyway. Now I’ve wasted several hours of my day that I should have spent applying to graduate schools. I wish I still felt passionate about my field of study, but I don’t. It’s hard to tell schools why you want to go there when you really don’t. I don’t really see any career that appeals to me; I’ve been so apathetic, anxious, and depressed. I don’t know what to do.

 

Self-Induced Back Pain Flare-up

My back hurts so badly right now, and it’s my fault. Yesterday I binged and purged. I ate some foods that are difficult to get up, so it took more effort and more time than usual (about an hour and a half including breaks). Vomiting tends to increase my back pain or (rarely) even trigger a full-blown, debilitating flare-up. I also exercised my back and abs, which has definitely contributed to this pain. I didn’t stop when my back started warning me because I was in a bad mental state and was full of self-loathing. I felt, at the time, that I deserved the pain. Now I don’t feel that way to the same extent, but I’m having to deal with the consequences of yesterday.

Staying asleep last night was difficult due to the pain. I kept waking up, and it feels like I barely slept. I’ve taken some acetaminophen/paracetamol, but it’s not doing much. This is only the third time I’ve taken it in the last two months, which is incredibly amazing considering that previous to that I had been on pain meds almost 24/7 for about 9+ years. I’m currently being too stubborn to take tramadol (a prescription narcotic), even though I know it would probably help. I think I’ll feel like a failure if I take it. I know no one else would think that of me. In fact, they’d probably encourage me to take it so I can stop suffering and be functional. I get some sort of weird satisfaction out of not doing things, especially things that other people tend to do or are okay with doing when necessary.

Maybe I do feel a bit like I deserve to feel this pain since I brought it on myself.

I haven’t eaten yet today (or gotten out of bed), so I’m setting myself up for another binge. Hooray for me.

Why am I so self-destructive and stupid? Why do I keep repeating negative behaviors? Probably because they’re somehow “easier” than dealing with my responsibilities. I really just want to withdraw from life for about a month. I wonder what it would be like to not have the psychological issues that I do. I’d probably be a better-functioning member of society – a real adult.

Beauty in the Melancholy

The state of being melancholy can be beautiful. Sometimes I enjoy feeling depressed. Sometimes I find sadness to be comforting. Sometimes accepting and appreciating that state is easier, less stressful, and feels more real than fighting it.

The song “Thirty Whacks” by The Dresden Dolls captures this mood quite well.

Acceptance of my faults, failings, shortcomings and the inevitability of their repetition sometimes allows me to cope and feel more connected to who I am. It decreases my self-loathing. It almost brings about a state of contentment rather than my usual, perpetual longing for something different – to be something different.

Thanksgiving

When you have an eating disorder, holidays where there are large amounts of food around can be very difficult to deal with. They can be difficult to enjoy. The US holiday Thanksgiving was yesterday.  I wasn’t able to exert much self-control, and I wound up eating to the point that it physically hurt. Usually I don’t purge at other people’s houses, but it got to the point where I couldn’t bear the way I was feeling. I got a few heaves in, but then one of my 30 relatives present knocked on the door. I gave up trying to purge there, and decided to wait until I got home. Despite still feeling overly-full I ate even more. It wasn’t typical binge-eating where it’s rapid and feels incredibly out of control. It almost felt automatic and methodical. It was slower and I felt compelled to do it: the food was there so I had to eat it. After driving home I ate a bit more then purged all I could.

I again wasted another few hours of my life obsessed with my disordered eating.

I decided not to eat today. I’ve had less than 100 calories (from drink mixes and antacids). I’m lethargic, cold, have a low tolerance for others, am depressed, and find it difficult to think clearly. Despite the depression, I feel a little better about myself. Usually I rationalize myself out of a fast, but, so far, today I have not.

One Day of Abstention, One Bit of Sanity

I made it through the day without binging/purging despite having the urge to twice. This is the the first day I haven’t since Wednesday. I’m about to head home, and I intend to go straight to bed. I will not binge.

I’m in a much more sane, intelligent state of mind right now. I need to remember this feeling so I have another reason to dissuade myself from a b/p.

So stressed, so disordered

First world problems, eh? I’m stressed about taking the GRE (Graduate Records Examination), which I’ll be doing Wednesday. I just started studying today. I hate myself and my lack of preparation. I’m filled with loathing and want to cut. I feel the need to punish myself for being so awful. No one else sees this; I don’t talk about my self-loathing. I’m so fat. I hate this. I’m at a medically healthy weight, but toward the heavier range. I hate over 2,000 calories today and didn’t purge. I’ve binged/purged the last 4 days in a row. It’s awful and I hate it.

I temporarily encountered a bulimic’s worst nightmare yesterday: the inability to purge. I binged and employed my usually method of trying to induce vomiting. Actually, at the moment I really want to b/p. I’m trying not to because I don’t want to lose an hour or two of my life. I’ve lost so much of my life already to this eating disorder. It’s been three months that this relapse has been going on, so I now fit the DSM-5’s [semi-arbitrary] criteria for bulimia. Hooray. I should throw a party. Anyway, back to yesterday: it was terrifying.

Frick, I can’t even focus enough to finish telling that story. I need to binge. The urge is almost overwhelming. What can I do? I want to ask a friend to come to where I am so I don’t do it, but that would be such an inconvenience for them. Plus, they’re not authorized to be in the area in which I’ll be working. (Sounds fancy, right? I do research in a genomics lab that requires basic biohazard training. We allow untrained people in there under supervision, but I don’t have the authorization to do that. Not that anyone else will be there this time of night so I could get away with it, but I don’t want to risk getting caught.)

Again…yesterday. I tried to purge for about 10 minutes and nothing but some reflux was coming up. I then drank several cups of water, waited about 20 minutes, then tried again. This time it was successful.

I’m trying to convince myself not to purge by looking at all the negative consequences, but my irrational, stupid, disordered thought processes are overwhelming my same, rational, logical mind.

I hate this mental dichotomy in which I exist; it’s tearing me apart.

Negatives: damaged teeth, lost time, swollen salivary glands, puffy eyes, red face, looking like a mess and having to cover it up with makeup, damaged esophagus, reflux after eating, fatigue, digestive issues, unbalanced electrolytes leading to dizziness and other symptoms, pain while vomiting, fluid retention.

Pros: temporarily numbs my emotions, prevents weight gain

I’ve been cutting more frequently. It’s not working like it used to. It used to give me clarity and allow me to focus. Maybe it’s because I’m not doing it in my arms; that used to work the best. I miss it. My hips just aren’t the same.

I’m still upset about my intake today. I actually want to just go get wasted rIgot now. I want to withdraw from life. Why am I doing this to myself? I’m sick of college, but I’m applying to grad schools. Why? I don’t feel like anything will satisfy me in life. I can’t think of any career I would be happy pursuing.

I still get pleasure out of recreational activities, but I am so very sick of school. I know my thoughts are a bit disjointed right now: this is the disordered thinking of an unhealthy mind.

I went to Overeaters Anonymous last Saturday (not yesterday) for the first time. That group was scary and full of unhealthy messages. One woman talked about how she was a “good anorexic.” She’s at lest 60 lbs overweight right now. Apparently all she’s eating right now is 3 gummy worms and 3 yogurts per day. She talked about her low weight several times (105 lbs) and didn’t seem intent on bettering her behavior. And she called herself a sponsor. Yeah right. She also seemed to have a weird relationship with one of the men there (who wan’t her husband). She’s the contact person for the group, so she’d be there at (probably) every meeting. She dominated the meeting. It was awful. I tried a different group on Thursday, and that group seemed much, much healthier. I plan to attend their next meeting.

Man…I’m so unstable right now. I want to cry. I want to cut. I want to purge. I want to drink. I want to get high.

I’ve never done any illegal drugs besides nitrous oxide, but that hardly counts…hmm, now I want some…enough to pass out. Now I’m thinking about suicide. That’d be nice. No, it wouldn’t. I don’t want to die; I just want my disordered thinking and behaviors to die. I want to kill a part of me. I still want some nitrous.

I bet if my mom read this she’s break down and cry. She thinks I’m doing so much better than I have been in the part. I borked down Friday morning and, sometime during the hour in which I was crying, she asked if I’d been self-harming again. I nodded and told her that it wasn’t as severe as it used to be (it’s not…yet). I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I’ve just been spilling out my thoughts. I wish I could record all of them, but I can’t type that quickly.

Would they have me committed if they read this? I don’t know who “they” are…doctors? Counsellors? Professors? Almost anyone?

I am 100% at risk of hurting myself. Not killing myself, just non-lethally injuring myself. I still slap and/or hit myself on an almost daily basis. Probably daily. I used a chain a few days ago. That helped a bit. Maybe better than cutting, actually.

Huh. I was really, really hoping that writing this would take away the urge to binge. It hasn’t. Now I’ve wasted 45 minutes. I could have b/p’d by now. Then it’d probably be off my mind.

Why am I not stronger than this eating disorder?

Maybe my lack of sleep has something to do with this.

I want to have sex. I’ve never done I before, but I feel like making bad life decisions now. I want to go get addicted to some drug and just sleep around. I want to be as awful as I feel.

No, I don’t. I really don’t.

Wow, I just realized how awfully judgmental that paragraph was. Junkies and promiscuous people have value as human beings. It hurts me to think of what drug addicts have to deal with. I want to help them. I bet it’d be about as frustrating as dealing with people with eating disorders. Disordered thinking, addicting, cravings, self-injurious behaviors and choices…

I don’t know where Imm going with this post. I’m just trying to save me from myself.

I’m going to go do lab work now. I guess. Whatever. I’m such a spoiled, self-focused person. Why am I so repetitively awful? I should make this post private; no one else needs to hear my pitiful self-hatred. Maybe…maybe my ramblings can help someone else because they realize they’re not alone in the way they’re thinking/feeling. Maybe it can help them hate themselves just a little bit less. Maybe.

Update (17 mins post-publishing): Binged. Time to purge.

 

I am not doing well

I feel as though I can’t learn anymore. I’m swinging between depression and hypo-mania/euphoria interspersed with periods of stability. I’m scared and want to cry. I missed class yesterday due to depression; I couldn’t make myself get out of the car. Mornings and late evenings are the worst times. Midday and late nights (~1 am) are the best (as long as I’m not fighting the impulse to binge/purge). I’m hating how fat I feel. I’m also hating how vain that seems. I disgust myself with my trivial, first-world concerns.

I cut sometime last week and two different times today. I went over one today a few times so it split significantly. I let it bleed for a bit.

I don’t even know why I have this blog set to public; I sound like a stupid, shallow, spoiled, pity-partying brat most of the time.

It’s odd: in real life I am well-liked and people enjoy being around me. They see me as an attractive, intelligent individual with diverse interests.

But on here? I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.

I set up an appointment with student counseling at my college for next Wednesday (the soonest they had). I should have done this months ago when this stared. I feel like it’s too late now. I don’t want to fail. I have 2 A’s, 1 B, and 1 C (I am usually a straight-A student). I feel like I am not retaining much of the information we’ve been taught.

I am not prepared for this exam tomorrow. I got at 99% on the first exam, a 76% on the second, and I’m setting myself up for an even lower score tomorrow. In another class, I failed an exam earlier this week (so did a lot of other people, so with the curve I got a C). I’m not used to things feeling this difficult. It’s like I just can’t understand/remember things. It’s not that the material is impossible…it’s just my brain’s failure to integrate it.

Bulimia Has Me Scared

Bulimia has me scared. Scared of being around situations with an abundance of food. Scared of what’s happening to my health. Scared of going home for fear I will binge. Scared my family will find out and be disappointed in me. Scared I’ll have to withdrawal from college for the third time.

Despite being 25, I still live with my parents (I feel like a failure and a child for that, but let’s not go down that path right now). My worst binges occur when I’m home late at night. I become anxious about studying for classes and moving forward with my life, and then I am often overcome with the nearly uncontrollable urge to shove as much food into my stomach as possible. I can’t just let it stay there, so I “have” to go compensate by vomiting. The last time I didn’t compensate my heart raced, my face was flushed, I felt so swollen and ill, my body ached, and I couldn’t sleep. This lasted for hours.

This bulimic relapse is causing health problems for me already even though it’s not quite been three months. My face has become incredibly oily, and I’m having constant acne. Today I noticed some damage occurring to my gums; they’re beginning to look jagged around the edges. My teeth have started becoming sensitive to cold and sugar again. I bought fluoridated toothpaste and mouthwash to help minimize the damage to my enamel, but I know I can’t fully prevent it.

Lately I’ve been feeling weak, exhausted, and dizzy. Yesterday I felt a bit like I might pass out. I’m guessing that’s a sign that my electrolytes may be off balance or that I have some other nutritional deficiency. Excluding when I binge/purge, I tend to follow a healthy diet. I eat a good amount of nuts, yogurt, lean meats (100-150 G protein/day), and vegetables. I also take an iron supplement (for anemia) and a multivitamin. It seems this isn’t enough to counteract the negative effects of b/p.

I want to stop this. I am worth more than this sick, self-destructive cycle.

I am a bit proud of myself: I spent the last two evenings at home and, despite strong urges, didn’t b/p. Let’s see how long I can keep this up.

Still Relapsing

I’ve been purging for almost eleven weeks now. In about two weeks I’ll fit the DSM criteria for bulimia. (average binge/purge >1x/wk for 3 months). This is taking up too much of my time, and I’m tired. I’ve lost 5 more pounds since my last post. I still want to lose 25 more. Yeah, I know that’s a lot. I might be content with 15 more. Probably not, though. I wish I could just restrict my eating instead of binging/purging. I’m wasting food, though when I have the chance I try to eat cheap food and/or food that we’d be getting rid of anyway (stale cereal, old pastries, etc.). It’s still wasteful. I know I’m theoretically harming my body, though I don’t think the previous two time periods where I was bulimic (1.5 yrs, age 15-17, May ’06 to November ’07, and 1.25 yrs, age 17-19, May ’08-August ’09) caused any lasting physical damage.

I cut today. I was trying to avoid b/p, but that didn’t work. Now I’ve lost 7.5 more hours of my life to bulimia that I should have spent studying. Monday was also lost to bulimia. I guess I’m pulling an all-nighter (or maybe taking a short nap early this morning).